I like to know what's coming. I mean I like to plan for it. I want every detail. And this my friends is a curse. You don't want to know every detail before it happens and sometimes you wish you never knew any of the details after it happens. Since John passed away I have not slept well. Ok Ok...I've slept but not without the help of every over the counter sleep aid product known to man. I start taking them at 7pm in the hopes that by 11 pm one will kick in and I can sleep. But honestly it's not that I can't sleep, it's just I'm really fearful of the moments right before sleep. I know it's coming. And I don't know how to handle it. The ones where I've put down the book or turned off the t.v. The moments I've gotten back under the covers in the dark after washing my face. The moments where you can still see the glow of the alarm clock when you first close your eyes in the dark. It's because I know what's coming.
Those moments are the hardest for me. Those are the moments when I see the look of panic on John's face as the nurse rushes me out into the hall. Those are the moments I see the blood and hear the sounds of Cancer claiming my best friend right before my eyes. Those are the moments that I dread. They are why I can't sleep and why I can't stay asleep. I know what's coming.
The other night I turned off the t.v and I headed to the bathroom to take a hot shower. As I was in the shower with the hot water pouring over me, the moment...that moment started to creep in. The sound, the sights and even the smells. And I immediately said out loud. "Nope. You can't do this to me anymore. I refuse to see it. I'm gonna think about that rusty old bus outside this window. You can have anymore of me. I'm done with you devil. I'm done" And I re-adjusted my thoughts to a dream I had after I bought the bus and how the transporter driver was John. And I smiled as I shut off the water and put on my p.j's. I thought about the bus's potential and about John. I thought about how much happier he would be if he knew that I shut those thoughts out and thought instead about the bus. Since then I have no more dread about the moments between living and sleeping. Because I know now that if that moment comes, I'll tell it to leave. I have no dread about it. If it comes. I'll handle it. It gives me hope of a re-birth. It gives me something to take my thoughts away from the bad. I'm still having trouble sleeping. But I'm not reliving John's dying moments over and over again. Nope. I can't. John loved me too much for me to be doing this to myself. I will not allow this to consume me anymore. I think that makes John happy. I hope it makes John happy. I miss you John.
As for the rusty old bus in the driveway, we had someone come out to give us a bid. He told me what my heart already knew.. "this is a great buy, I'll buy it from you if you decide you don't want it" But she's not for sale. She's mine. Before he left, he said, " I can tell you are attached to this bus" And I am. We await his bid. We await a lot of things these days. I await the future. I await an end to this grief. I await an adventure. But I do so knowing now "what's coming will come and we'll meet it when it does."- Hagrid