I am sorry it has been so long since I have blogged. Life has been full steam ahead and I have not had the pleasure of sitting to write in so long. But I wanted to make sure that I sat down before 2016 closed to share something with you all.
Today I want to share about an experience that happened to me right before Thanksgiving. At first I had not wanted to share it. But I decided to post about it on IG and afterwards I got a lot of good feedback. I had wondered if people would think I was crazy, or if others would think what I thought...that I actually visited heaven.
Now did I visit heaven? was it all just a dream? I needed time to process it. While I care little about others thoughts and opinions on the subject of whether or not I visited heaven, I will say this...that all that questioning is hardly the real point anyways. The real point is, did I experience something that is hard to explain and in experiencing it have I had a life changing experience. And the answer is...YES. Like my salvation, this experience was super natural and in turn has changed me deeply.
So lets get to it...let me tell you about the time I got to visit Heaven.
On a Friday evening about 5 weeks ago...I had so much trouble sleeping. I tossed and turned and watched the clock. I was antsy like I had somewhere to be and was nervous about it. At some point I finally fell asleep. I awoke 3 hours later sobbing in body shaking tears. Here's what happened in those three hours as I dreamed the most vivid and real life dream I had ever experienced...
I found myself walking along what appeared to be a beautiful national park. There was mountains, waterfalls and beauty everywhere I looked. Everything was 100 x the color it is in life, and I was standing looking in awe. John appeared wearing a Mexican poncho ( I literally can see it now it was cream with stripes of red, yellow, and brown) he had his hands in his pockets and he walked towards me slowly. I stood shocked. He looked younger but un-kept. His hair and beard were long and unruly. He asked me if I wanted a tour and I did. We walked and chatted ( I don't remember about what) and as we walked there were campgrounds and some areas where people had houses and for some reason there were Carnival games. People where welcoming and kind. They kept saying to me, " has he told you what he does here?" And I would say no, and we kept going. Everywhere we went on the tour everybody couldn't stop talking about how wonderful he was and how he had help them. I remember thinking it's so weird because he looks so unkept and like he's not taking care of himself. When we got to the end there was a dunk tank game and he asked me to sit down at a picnic table and have coffee with him. He told me that he ran the entire park but he took care of all the people and that he fixed anything that was broken. Just as he finished telling me that his cup of coffee tipped and poured into his lap. I started laughing hysterically he laughed and I laughed and we couldn't stop laughing. When we finally did stop laughing I told him that I would like to stay here and help him and he told me that I couldn't. He told me that he had a lot to do there. Someday I could stay there with him, but that he just has so much work to do there and that I was needed at home. I had work to do too. I didn't want to leave and I wanted to stay so bad. He held my hand and I begun to cry as he told me that I wouldn't see him for awhile. He was just going to be very busy and so was I. My cries became louder and more like wails and my whole body shook. And that is the moment I woke up.
My husband Mikey had woken up a few moments before and started recording me with his cell phone because I was laughing so hard in my sleep that he could not believe I was asleep. In face I was laughing so hard that my knees were pulled up to my chest. But soon after the laughing stopped and I begun to cry and wail. When I actually woke up my face was wet with tears and I jumped from the bed. My husband immediately asked what had happened and started to tell me about the laughing that had woken him up. I recalled the entire dream to my husband, later to my mother and to a friend. I cried as I recalled the moments of laughter and the moment of goodbye.
But I have not cried since that day. I have not cried out in sadness. I have not wept in sorrow. I miss John every single day, but I am no longer sad. I feel guilty even saying that. How could I be in such deep sorrow for the past season and all of a sudden be filled with so much peace. I have said out loud a few times to others that I feel so confused and yet it was if it was just meant to be this way.
I've had a lot of time to think about the peace that I am in. About the experience, and about the apparent healing my heart has felt as a result of this. And here's what I think...I think I got to visit heaven. i think I got to spend the day with John. I think we got to say good-bye, I think that the grief lifted just long enough for me to experience the gift of healing. Whether or not any ofthat is true, or just a dream really doesn't matter now does it.
I will forever miss John. I will think of him, and I will live purposefully harder and love others more because I knew him and loved him. I will remind my heart of him when the world is cruel. I will look fondly at the sun and feel his warmth. But I will no longer live in sadness. For John and I will see each other again. And until we do, I know where he is. And I know he's busy and that I have things to do here before I get to see him again. And so until that time comes I'll always remember that time I got visit heaven.